UMD, is having a boyfriend embarrassing?

There have been long-standing debates online that align with the ethos of Chanté Joseph’s column published in Vogue,  “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” 

Presented as a series of observations and conversations Joseph has engaged in, many interpreted the piece as a critique of relationships or a hatred towards men. However, Joseph’s argument isn’t that having a relationship is wrong or shameful. Rather, she highlights shifts in modern dating, the self-worth of women and the ways societal pressure impacts how we share our relationships online.

The practice of soft-launching relationships— the act of subtly hinting at a relationship online by posting a hand or the back of someone’s head, blurring a partner’s face and generally keeping relationships private has increased in the modern dating scene. Some women found that they feared bad luck or the evil eye; others didn’t want to post a man, only for them to embarrass them later. 

In the article, Joseph also highlights the value of women’s relationships with men and themselves.

Joseph concludes the piece by encouraging readers to continue interrogating heteronormativity.

“Being partnered doesn’t affirm your womanhood anymore; it is no longer considered an achievement, and, if anything, it’s become more of a flex to pronounce yourself single. As straight women, we’re confronting something that every other sexuality has had to contend with: a politicization of our identity,” she wrote.

The article and the messages about self-worth, shifts in dating and the social climate sparked interesting conversations online and in-person, whether or not you read it in its entirety or just the title.

Social Media Fears and “Embarrassment”

Akunna Okonkwo, a junior public health science major, found the online practice of soft launches and mystery to be over the top. 

“I feel like sometimes, as consumers or viewers, we subconsciously think like we’re like celebrities or influencers and how we move with our Instagram,” she said. “Everyone has their own prerogative; they can do whatever they want with their page, but sometimes it’s, like, a little bit too much.” 

At times, the fear of judgment in a relationship or of being perceived when being in a relationship can be part of the possible “embarrassment” often linked to soft launching. 

However, there is some validity to this claim. 

While a decade ago posting a relationship status on the internet was par for the course, the past few years have seen increases in soft launches in which people opted for a more public way to signal relationship status, such as a picture of the back of someone’s head, a hand on the thigh or a bouquet. 

Posting a boyfriend through soft launching seems more like how a company would tease a product before releasing, just a sneak peek before a grand reveal.

Some worry that if they post their partners too soon and there’s a messy ending to the relationship, the evidence of their connection and its untimely end will stain their digital reputation like paint on a wall.

Okonkwo took a principled stance when she realized someone stopped posting their significant other.

“I’m not someone who intrudes on people’s business,” she said. “But if there’s someone who posts her boyfriend all the time and it’s super obvious, like people from high school, I would definitely know.”

For Abenaa Aahfrimpong, a third-year psychology major, she believes the fear isn’t just the embarrassment that comes from evidence of a breakup, or the way outside viewers may perceive one in the relationship, but the potential to learn that you were the second player in someone’s romantic pursuits since the beginning.

“People would be like, ‘hey, let me know, if you know this hand or if you know this piece of hair’ or something like that, because they know a lot of stuff goes on behind closed doors.” 

Social media is a hyper-aestheticized and accessible version of our lives. With so much information about people’s lives at our fingertips, it is easy to pry into others’ lives and fear others prying into ours.

New Era of Relationship Self-Worth

A heterosexual relationship used to be the marker of success for a woman. But the growth of discourse aiming to decenter men from the experiences of womanhood has created a standard of self-worth that many are adhering to.

For example, as it relates to the debates around men embarrassing women, Aliyah Mayer, a junior civil engineering major, believes that women being embarrassed by the actions of their partners makes no sense.

“He’s the one who did wrong. It’s embarrassing for him,” she said. “It’s embarrassing for the lady when you choose to stick up for [the disrespect], I think that’s the only part. There’s no reason why you should feel bad for someone doing you wrong.”

As Joseph says in her piece, this is not to say that being in a relationship is embarrassing, or that falling in love is shameful. The script is simply shifting around the values that once pressured women into relationships out of fear of being an old hag or a spinster. 

As women’s self-worth continues to untie itself from relationship statuses, making a woman’s decision to be in a relationship steadily becomes a completely autonomous one, independent of societal pressure. 

As Mayer said, “without that self-love, you don’t know how to put [love] into that next person. So without self-love, there’s no self-respect and then you depend on your partner.” 

Self-love and building yourself up as a woman are more valuable than ever, and while dating continues to evolve, the most important part of building a relationship with another is having a valuable relationship with yourself.