“Maybe” will be the death of you
Both the light in your eyes and your vagina are shriveling up on the hopes and dreams that they’re the one for you. You’re too full of life for a maybe.
Now, I know the epigraph is a bit crass, but I’m known for being unapologetically honest, so please excuse the language. Exes, situationships, new guy, new girl, new crush, the one that got away, the one who stayed, right person, wrong time, wrong person, right time. I think maybe we’d all sleep a little easier at night if we just accepted that maybe that person taking up copious amounts of space in your mind isn’t a great match, a great situation or a great lifestyle for you, and it might be time to move on.
I began to wonder, what is the appeal of being someone’s “maybe,” and what would happen if you just chose not to be?
The Illusion
As the show Bojack Horseman once said, “When you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.” The desire sets the trap. We’re already tossed and turned by the novelty that is college life: new friend group, new classes, new home, new lifestyle, new dining hall menu. You never know what in your life will be new in the next 24 hours, so when the little glimmer of a new person of interest catches your eye, there is always that temptation to bite, even if you don’t know where it’s going.
When you’re another person’s “maybe,” there’s room to both maintain a sense of intimacy and keep your own autonomy. This could blossom into something long-term, but if it doesn’t, you’re not completely written off as a “bad person” for keeping wandering eyes or legs out for something new. You’re not exactly sure the level of devotion you’re on yet, so being a “maybe” allows you to flow freely between that middle ground. You guys still have that honeymoon sparkle in your eyes and your bed—how bad could it possibly get, right?
The Reality
Accountability is stripped in the “maybe.” What usually breaks the illusion is the cognitive dissonance one experiences when one’s true beliefs or values don’t match their actions.
You say you’re okay with there not being a level of security in the “maybe” relationship you’re maintaining. But then they’re talking to another girl at a party or taking hours to reply, and suddenly you’re thrust out of nirvana.
Accountability comes in because you knew jumping into a relationship without boundaries or clear guidelines was the basis of what attracted you in the first place. Now they’re treating you with the least amount of respect you’ve ever seen another human being treated with. Yet, you hold your tongue because you feel like it can easily be refuted with, “Well, we’re not together.”
Bullshit.
A “casual” relationship doesn’t equate to zero mutual respect and awful treatment, no matter how much the other person tries to convince you it does.
The Conclusion
Now you’re free from “maybe” purgatory. There is a light at the end of that very maze-like tunnel, and it’s the choice of self.
You don’t have it all figured out, and I’ll never pretend I do either, but I do know what works for me and what doesn’t. With that being said, you don’t have to pretend you like playing hot and cold when you don’t. But abandoning your hope to be given love and receive it would be a disservice to not only you and your future, but the world.
A better alternative would be to embrace what you truly want in your romantic endeavors. Don’t be afraid to set boundaries. Leave what you won’t be able to work and try again, with a straight head on your shoulders. Never stop speaking up in your relationships, or as Zora Neale Hurston puts it, “If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it.” There are approximately 8.3 billion people in this world; I’m more than certain the one for you isn’t a “maybe.” How about instead of wasting your youth being a maybe, you avoid that sense of self-abandonment and be okay being “yes” to yourself and a “no” to what doesn’t serve you?